The Heimlich Maneuver

LKB, FF and I were watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel on first aid. The presenter just got started with the heimlich maneuver.

Presenter: What do you when a person is choking?

FF: I just back up a few inches!

LKB & IOh god lord! Did you just actually say that???!

the fuck is wrong with you


Think Before You Speak!

MS calls me up at office.

MS: Dude, where are you?

Me: I’m in office. Why, what happened?

MS: The internet guy is here to collect the payment for the previous month. 

Me: What the f!@# man! I just spoke to them yesterday and they told me that they are going to be closed for the next two days! Bloody hell! I’m in office now and I can’t come home right away! Man, these people are so dumb. Stupid f!@#ers! 

MS: Ummmmmm, you’re on speakerphone. Sorry. 

Me: Errrrrr….

Internet Guy: Sorry to disturb you sir. We thought that we’ll collect the payment today as we’re going to be closed. No issues, we’ll back after two days. Have a good evening! 

Me: Errrrr, thanks. I’ll have the cheque ready for you. 

Internet Guy: Thank you sir. 

*The internet guys leaves*

Me: Dafaq is wrong with you!? 

MS: Yeah, my bad. Sorry. 


Errrr, Let’s Change The Topic!

I was talking to my mom about my friend, SM.

Me: Hey Ma, my friend SM has invited all of us over for lunch.

Mom: Who’s she? How come you’ve never mentioned her before? Where does she stay? How’d you know her? Is she single? 

Me: Seesh, relax!  I know her through work. She lives nearby and she’s married and has three tini-tiny kids. 

Mom: Three kids? In this economy?

Me: Yup. Three daughters, aged 3 years, 1½ years and 6 months respectively. 

Mom: Three daughters! Wow! So were the kids planned or was it an accident? 

Me: Ummmm, you know, I don’t ask people stuff like that. 

Mom: Hmmmmm, good point. Anyways, what’s your plan?

Me: About what?

Mom: Getting married! When are you going to have kids of your own?

Me: Hahaha… Good one! Not in this economy. 

Mom: Don’t talk like that! I should start looking for a bride for you! 

Me: Errrr, Let’s change the topic shall we?

Mom: This ain’t over yet! 

Me: Errrrrr……


Dude, You’re Kidding Me Right?

Last night, I somehow managed to bang my big toe against the corner of my computer table. The result: half a broken nail and lots of blood. Totally Kill Bill style. Anyways, CG and MS happened to be in the next room and they came to my room as soon as they heard me spewing out cuss words like there was no tomorrow.

CG: Jeez man, your toe looks bad! 

Me: Yeah, it hurts like a bitch too!

CG: You should put some ointment or something on it. 

Me: Nah. I’ll clean this thing up. Yo MS! Pass me some disinfected cotton. There should be some in my dressing table drawer. 

MS: Got it.

Me: Also, get me some Dettol as well. It should be next to the cotton.

MS: Got them both!

*I clean the wound and apply some Dettol*

Me: All done! Now to cover this wound. Hey MS, there’s some micropore tape in my medicine box. Could you get that please?  

MS: Hey, I can’t find any micropore tape but I found some thread seal tape. They are the same thing right? 

Me: You’re humoring me right?

MS: Ummmmm, no…. Why would I do that?

Me: Good god…..


The Domino’s Incident

MS and I were, lets say under the influence of *questionable substances* and were in no state to make any logical decisions.

MS: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

MS: Let’s order pizza! From Domino’s

Me: Good idea!

MS: I got a coupon too! Buy one and get one free!

Me: Awesome! Order one pepperoni and one peppy paneer (cottage cheese). 

MS: Sounds like a plan.

*MS finishes ordering*

Me: How much was the bill?

MS: 584 bucks.

Me: 584? Isn’t that too much? I’d thought that it’ll be around 450.

MS: No idea. Must be extra tax. 

Me: Hmmmmm, ok. 

*After five minutes*

MS: Dude! 

Me: What!

MS: I think, we’ve been taken for a ride!

Me: Why?

MS: Tax is about 15% ? 

Me: Yeah…

MS: So the pizza is 370 + 50 + 45 = 465! And the other pizza is free! 

*At this point, all I could imagine was the numbers from that movie, A Beautiful Mind*

Me: Ummmm, ok…

MS: So the tax is 15%. 15% of 465 is 69.75! So the bill must come upto 534.75! Not 584! We’ve been fleeced!

*By this time I was convinced that MS was higher than Mt.Everest. So I got off my lazy ass, did all the calculations and found out that MS was right. Calculating the bill was so intense that all my buzz came down*

Me: Ok, you’re right! 

MS: Let the Domino’s guy come. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind!

*Twenty minutes laters, the Domino’s guy arrives and hands me the bill*

Me: Dude.

MS: Yeah?

Me: You’re such a dopehead!

MS: Why?

Me: The bill was 534.75 all this while! You heard wrong!

Me: Oh, oops… My bad.