LKB, FF and I were watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel on first aid. The presenter just got started with the heimlich maneuver.
Presenter: What do you when a person is choking?
FF: I just back up a few inches!
LKB & I: Oh god lord! Did you just actually say that???!
MS calls me up at office.
MS: Dude, where are you?
Me: I’m in office. Why, what happened?
MS: The internet guy is here to collect the payment for the previous month.
Me: What the f!@# man! I just spoke to them yesterday and they told me that they are going to be closed for the next two days! Bloody hell! I’m in office now and I can’t come home right away! Man, these people are so dumb. Stupid f!@#ers!
MS: Ummmmmm, you’re on speakerphone. Sorry.
Me: Errrrrr….
Internet Guy: Sorry to disturb you sir. We thought that we’ll collect the payment today as we’re going to be closed. No issues, we’ll back after two days. Have a good evening!
Me: Errrrr, thanks. I’ll have the cheque ready for you.
Internet Guy: Thank you sir.
*The internet guys leaves*
Me: Dafaq is wrong with you!?
MS: Yeah, my bad. Sorry.
I was talking to my mom about my friend, SM.
Me: Hey Ma, my friend SM has invited all of us over for lunch.
Mom: Who’s she? How come you’ve never mentioned her before? Where does she stay? How’d you know her? Is she single?
Me: Seesh, relax! I know her through work. She lives nearby and she’s married and has three tini-tiny kids.
Mom: Three kids? In this economy?
Me: Yup. Three daughters, aged 3 years, 1½ years and 6 months respectively.
Mom: Three daughters! Wow! So were the kids planned or was it an accident?
Me: Ummmm, you know, I don’t ask people stuff like that.
Mom: Hmmmmm, good point. Anyways, what’s your plan?
Me: About what?
Mom: Getting married! When are you going to have kids of your own?
Me: Hahaha… Good one! Not in this economy.
Mom: Don’t talk like that! I should start looking for a bride for you!
Me: Errrr, Let’s change the topic shall we?
Mom: This ain’t over yet!
Me: Errrrrr……
Last night, I somehow managed to bang my big toe against the corner of my computer table. The result: half a broken nail and lots of blood. Totally Kill Bill style. Anyways, CG and MS happened to be in the next room and they came to my room as soon as they heard me spewing out cuss words like there was no tomorrow.
CG: Jeez man, your toe looks bad!
Me: Yeah, it hurts like a bitch too!
CG: You should put some ointment or something on it.
Me: Nah. I’ll clean this thing up. Yo MS! Pass me some disinfected cotton. There should be some in my dressing table drawer.
MS: Got it.
Me: Also, get me some Dettol as well. It should be next to the cotton.
MS: Got them both!
*I clean the wound and apply some Dettol*
Me: All done! Now to cover this wound. Hey MS, there’s some micropore tape in my medicine box. Could you get that please?
MS: Hey, I can’t find any micropore tape but I found some thread seal tape. They are the same thing right?
Me: You’re humoring me right?
MS: Ummmmm, no…. Why would I do that?
Me: Good god…..
MS and I were, lets say under the influence of *questionable substances* and were in no state to make any logical decisions.
MS: Dude!
Me: Yeah?
MS: Let’s order pizza! From Domino’s!
Me: Good idea!
MS: I got a coupon too! Buy one and get one free!
Me: Awesome! Order one pepperoni and one peppy paneer (cottage cheese).
MS: Sounds like a plan.
*MS finishes ordering*
Me: How much was the bill?
MS: 584 bucks.
Me: 584? Isn’t that too much? I’d thought that it’ll be around 450.
MS: No idea. Must be extra tax.
Me: Hmmmmm, ok.
*After five minutes*
MS: Dude!
Me: What!
MS: I think, we’ve been taken for a ride!
Me: Why?
MS: Tax is about 15% ?
Me: Yeah…
MS: So the pizza is 370 + 50 + 45 = 465! And the other pizza is free!
*At this point, all I could imagine was the numbers from that movie, A Beautiful Mind*
Me: Ummmm, ok…
MS: So the tax is 15%. 15% of 465 is 69.75! So the bill must come upto 534.75! Not 584! We’ve been fleeced!
*By this time I was convinced that MS was higher than Mt.Everest. So I got off my lazy ass, did all the calculations and found out that MS was right. Calculating the bill was so intense that all my buzz came down*
Me: Ok, you’re right!
MS: Let the Domino’s guy come. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind!
*Twenty minutes laters, the Domino’s guy arrives and hands me the bill*
Me: Dude.
MS: Yeah?
Me: You’re such a dopehead!
MS: Why?
Me: The bill was 534.75 all this while! You heard wrong!
Me: Oh, oops… My bad.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! You S.O.B!
CG: Yo!
Me: What?
CG: I was just reading your blog and I was wondering, how’d you manage to remember all our retarded conversations?
Me: Cos I’m so awesome!
CG: I can’t remember jackshit!
Me: Cos you’re such a c***!
CG: Right….
Me: Dude, did you get my forward?
CG: No. Don’t think so. Which forward?
Me: The one with the funny pic.
CG: Nope. Haven’t got it.
Me: Let me check your inbox.
CG: Sure.
Me: So many mails. Seesh, your inbox is in a mess.
CG: F*** that. Anyways, how do you find unread mails?
Me: Here, click here.
*Gmail separates read and unread mails*
CG: Coo! No mail with funny pic among the unread ones. Let me just search for ‘funny pic’.
Me: No way. The search is useless. I give up! I’ll resend it.
CG: Oh, wait. Here it is!
Me: How’d you find it?
CG: I just searched for ‘funny pic’ and voila! The mail appeared and see it’s still unread.
Me: Then why did it not show up in the unread mails section?
CG: Because you send such shitty mails!
Me: Yeah, right!
CG: Let’s just agree to disagree!
Me: Dafaq did you just say?
CG and I were returning home from watching a god awful musical.
*We reach our apartment door*
Me: Dude, open the door.
CG: I don’t have the key.
Me: Who locked the door when we left?
CG: Well, it was… Oh wait, it was me.
Me: No sh*t, Sherlock.
CG: Jeez, you don’t have to be a bitch about it!
Me: Whatever! Quit stalling.
CG: Let me search my jacket.. Wait, not in this pocket… Where did it go?
Me: Don’t tell me you lost the key?
CG: Chill man!
Me: If you’ve lost the key, I’ll bitchslap you. I’ll bitchslap you with a pistol. I’ll pistol whip you. I’ll pistol whip you till you’re my bitch. You got that?
CG: Jesus! Man, you have violent tendencies.
Me: Uh..Huh….. I wonder why….?
MS, CG and I were watching Russell Peters.
Russell Peters: When you’re showering with a partner and you have to pee, step out of the shower, pee and step back in.
(Not exactly what he said, but you can watch the whole thing here.)
CG: Jeez, why would you pee in the shower?
MS: Dude, it’s awesome man. Imagine you’re taking a hot shower and you feel like peeing, just let go and do it. You’ll feel really good. Like really good.
CG: Ummmm, no thanks! I don’t wanna do a self golden shower!
MS: Dude, it’s awesome. It’s like being an animal. You don’t care and go pee all over the place. The freedom to pee is exhilarating.
CG: Ummmm, a) No Thanks! b) It’s disgusting! c) If I’ve just finished washing myself, why would I pee on my myself? Then I’d have wash myself all over again.
MS: So in that case, you can step out, pee and step back in.
CG: Wouldn’t it just be easier if I stepped out in the first place?
MS: Chill dude! There are exceptions to the rule!
CG: Yeah, right. Exceptions for peeing while taking a shower!
Me: Can we PLEASE change the subject? I’m trying to drink some Mountain Dew here!
CG: I second that!
MS: Meh! Lightweights!
CG: Errrrrr…..
Some are about trains. Others are not.
An idea brewing in my head for quite a while.
You are schizophrenic. I do not exist.
Policy Analyst, Freelance Writer, and Executive Director of VC Voter Edge - looking to solve community problems implementing evidence-backed policy and ethical governance in and around Ventura County, CA. I have a BA in Political Science, a BA in Philosophy, and a Masters of Public Administration, with 20 years of experience in community organizing, voter advocacy and education, technical writing, research, and public policy consulting.
The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.
A Diary Of A Whiny Guy 