Category Archives: Utter Nonsense

More Power To You!

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I was at the local franchise of Five Star Chicken, picking up some dinner for myself. There was a bit of a wait, but thank god, there was only one  guy infront of me.

Random Guy: I’d like two pieces of Crunchy Masala Chicken.

Chicken Guy: That’ll be 84 rupees , sir.

Random Guy: 84! The menu says that it’s 39 rupees per piece. So two pieces should be 78 rupees! 

Chicken Guy: Sir, taxes not included in the price.

Random Guy: Where it does say that!

Chicken Guy: Here! 

*Points at the menu card which explicitly mentions that local taxes are added to the mentioned price*

Random Guy: I don’t want to pay tax! 

Chicken Guy: Errr…

Me: Yay! More power to the common man! Yeah, screw the system! Yeah, f*** the government! 

*What I thought was a murmur under my breath, was actually shouted out pretty loud. Loud enough to catch the attention of nearby shoppers*

*Chicken Guy and Random Guy give me a look as if I’d just escaped from the loony bin*

Me: Errr, I’ll have whatever he’s having. I’ll pay the taxes too!

(So much for being anti-authoritarian)

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PS: Their chicken is really good. If you’re in Bangalore, try them out!

PPS: No, I’m not being paid to advertise them. Though it would be super cool.

You Don’t Say!

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CG is a pig when it comes to cleanliness. (Sorry Bro, but you know that’s the truth). And I’ve been trying to get him to clean his room for about a year now.

*I enter his room*

Me: Dude, when was the last time you changed your sheets?

CG: Haven’t done it yet. 

Me: Huh? How many times have you changed your sheets after moving into this house?

CG: That’s what I said! Haven’t done it yet. 

Me: Oh god! How are you still alive?

*I give his bedsheet a nice whack and a thick layer of dust rises* (I’m not making this up!)

Me: God save us all!

CG: Whatever….

*I open his wardrobe next*

Me: Man! Is something dead in here!?

CG: Quit making stuff up!

Me: It smells like a zoo in here!

CG: Oh please! It’s just my unwashed clothes.

Me: Why are they in the wardrobe? They should be in the laundry basket!

CG: Yeah yeah yeah! I’ll put it there!

Me: Alteast put a freshener or something in here!   

CG: Jeez! What am I, an aristocrat or something? 

Me: You wish!

*Next, I open his table drawer*

Me: Why is your toothbrush and paste in your drawer?

CG: I don’t know. I just keep it there.

Me: And there are cigarette packets in there, and some change and your comb! 

CG: Yeah so?

Me: And you put that thing in YOUR MOUTH!

CG: Dude! Stop nagging! You ain’t my girlfriend!

Me: You don’t say!

CG: #facepalm  

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Aftermath: I’m afraid to enter CG’s room without a hazard suit!

The Return Of The Blonde

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The Tiesto concert was around the corner. MM calls me up, out of the blue.

MM: Hey!

Me: Hey! 

MM: Listen, do you think that I can still get tickets to the concert?

Me: Yeah sure, my friend has physical passes. I can hook you up with him.

MM: What are those?

Me: Ummmmm, physical tickets…You know, tickets…

MM: I got the tickets part, but what is this physical?

Me: Never mind, I’ve a DJ friend. I’ll hook you up with him. He can help you.

MM: Hey! Even I have DJ friend. Maybe I’ll go with him!

Me: Errrrrrr…. Sure. What ever makes you happy! 

the fuck is wrong with you

Dude, You Need Help

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*I walked into into LKB’s room without knocking*

Me: Whoa! Dude! If you’re watching porn, please bolt your door!

LKB: It’s not porn. 

Me: Ummmm, yeah it is. Naked pictures of women was classified as porn, the last time I checked. 

LKB: No. These are nude pictures. Artistically taken.

Me: Uh..huh… Sure.. Wait, is that Emma Watson? The kid from Harry Potter? Dude, c’mon – She’s just a kid! 

LKB: Hello! She’s 22! That’s just two years younger than me!

Me: But still, this is wrong. Just plain wrong.

*LKB is busy scrolling through the pictures*

LKB: Damn, she’s nude but they don’t show her boobs anywhere! Lots of cleavage but no boobs!

Me: Ok… So?

LKB: So nothing! This was a waste of my time! I rather check back in a couple of years once she’s got a boob job.

Me: Errrr, you need help. Like professional help. ASAP!

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The Worst Day Of Your Life……So Far

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Time: 9:00 am

CG: Dude, what’s that song you’re playing? Sounds good.

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 12:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 4:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 8:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Seesh. Did you like, wake up today and decide to be a d*ck the whole day?

Me: No. I woke up today morning and decided that I’ll be a d*ck today AS WELL….

CG: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

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A Situation Called Awkward

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My friend SV, thrives on awkward situations. Especially with his colleagues. It’s fun to watch him, as long as you’re not on the receiving end.

Scene#1

SV: Hey man, where’s that hot friend of yours? 

Me: She’s sick.

SV: Of?

Me: Errrrr…..

Scene#2

*At lunch time in his office*

Female Colleague: Lets go!

SV: Yeah, lets go have a quickie!

Female Colleague: Errr, you mean lunch?

SV: Yeah, that too….

 Female Colleague: Errrrr….

Scene#3

*At his office*

Female Colleague: I’m done!

SV: With life? With him? With society? With the government? 

Female Colleague: My work, smartass! 

SV: Don’t take it out on me, blame the man! 

 Female Colleague: Ahhhh! That doesn’t even make sense! 

SV: Hey, when you look this gooood, nothing has to make any sense! 

Female Colleague: Ahhhh!

SV: FTW!

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No Tissue, No Issue!

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I was at a popular pub, when I happen to overhear this conversation from the table next to mine. There were about six people, three guys and three girls. They were discussing about whether your bride should be a virgin or not at the time of marriage.

Guy#1: Call me old fashioned, but I would want my wife to be a virgin!

Girl#1: You’re such a hypocrite! You have slept with other women, but you want your wife to be a virgin!?

Guy#2: The rules are different for guys, ok? In our society, women who have pre-marital sex are looked down on.

Girl#2: That’s so archaic! In this day and age, everyone has pre-marital sex! Besides, what does it matter whether the girl is a virgin or not?

Guy#3: I second with Guy#1! I don’t want to get the feeling that someone has already slept with my wife.

Girl#1: That’s so chauvinistic! If you’re so concerned that whether she’s slept with someone before you, just don’t ask.

Girl#2: Besides, why is that if men sleep with many girls, he’s branded a stud but if a woman sleeps around with many men, she’s branded a slut! Why are there double standards?

Guy#3: You see, Confucius once said: “If a single key can open many locks, it’s a master key. But if a single lock can be opened with many keys, it’s a shitty lock”!

*The guys high five each other. The women look annoyed*

Girl#1: Oh please, Confucius didn’t say anything like that.

Girl#2: You guys are such chauvinistic pigs!

*At this point, Girl#3, who was silent all this while, bangs the table*

Guy#1: Dafaq woman! You almost spilled my beer!

Girl#3: Why are you guys making such a big issue about a tissue? Relax guys.

*I’m sipping my beer, listening to the whole conversation*

 Me (to myself): Whoa mama! Cheers to that! 

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Carnivores – 1 Herbivores – 0

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CG is a high-class-pure-vegetarian. You know, the Saravana Bhavan types. Because of his *ahem ahem* delicate nature, I never miss an opportunity to remind him about the mouth watering meat delicacies he’s missing out on (in my honesty, it was more of shoving it in his face).

Round #1

Me: Man, I’m craving for a Shawarma!

CG: Uh huh…

Me: Wanna go and get some Shawarma?

CG: Yeah sure…

Me: Oh no, you can’t have any because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian Shawarma!

CG: Damn…. Fine.…

Me: Yeah! Score! 

Round #2

Me: We should go to Millers46 sometime. 

CG: Sounds like a plan.

Me: Their steaks are out of this world! You should try some!

CG: Okay.. Sure…

Me: Oh no! You can’t! Because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian steak!  Even what restaurants serve as vegetarian steak is an abomination! Steak implies meat! Ergo, vegetarian steak is an oxymoron!

CG: Seesh! You don’t have to be such a d*ck about it!

Me: Yay! Steak!

Match Point: Carnivores 

Round #3

Me: Let’s go to KFC!

CG: No way. 

Me: Why not?

CG: Because their vegetarian food is awful.

Me: C’mon! It’s KFC! How can you not love their tender juicy chicken, deep fried with the Colonel’s Secret Recipe? 

CG: Errrr…

Me: Oh yeah, you have no idea what I’m talking about! 

CG: Dude! Knock it off!

Me: Booyeah! 

Game: Carnivores

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