You Shall Not Watch!

Last Friday, my friends were supposed to drop into my place for a house party, which unfortunately DID NOT happen. Their excuses varied from “I’m depressed because Arsenal is not going to win the premier league this season” to “my neighbors cat died”.

Anyways, the result was this:  I had an empty house (except for CG and MS), a lot of food and a lot of booze. As pissed as I was, I decided to get *sloshed drunk*, to calm myself down. CG and MS decided to make me watch a movie to soothe my nerves. After a lot of debating, they decided on The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring.

When it comes to the Stars Wars Vs Lords Of The Ring, I’m pro Star Wars!

*The movie starts playing*

Narrator: In the beginning of time, there were three rings for the Elves, seven rings for the Dwarfs and nine rings for the Humans.

Me: What do these rings do?

CG: I’ll explain it to you later. It’s kinda long.

Me: Pfft..!

CG: Dude, just watch!

Me: Where are these rings now?

CG: The elves hid their rings, dwarfs lost four of their rings and have three rings left. And the humans wore their rings and they became the Ringwraiths.

Me: Stupid humans!

*One Peg Down*

GandalfA wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

Me: Yeah, right! Try giving that as an excuse to your mom, when you’re returning home drunk at 2 am!

CG: Hahaha.

*Two Pegs Down*

Me: Why does Bilbo Baggins never wear that ring?

CG: Because he has no lust for power.

Me: I see…. Smart guy. How come the eye of Sauron always on?

CG: Because that’s how he can sense the ring.

Me: Does it ever blink?

CG: Dude! C’mon! That’s stupid!

Me: Uh..huh..

*Four Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, have you noticed that the Hobbits have no facial hair?

CG: Uh..huh..

Me: Imagine, they’d go to a barber to get their legs shaved instead!

CG: Dude! F*** off! Just watch!

*Five Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, why don’t just fly to Mordor on that big bird thing?

CG: Because air travel was expensive back then.

Me: Yeah right…. Don’t f*** around man!

CG: Then stop asking me stupid questions and read the book!

Me: It’s not stupid! It’s a genuine question!

CG: I’m not going to dignify that with a response!

Me: C***!

*Seven Pegs Down*

Me: Look dude! Ned Stark!

CG: Dude, that’s Boromir! The son of the steward of Gondor!

Me: Same person!

CG: Aaaaaaaagh! Dude!

*Eight Pegs Down*

Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur‘s heir?

Me: Snap! You didn’t see that coming, did ya?

CG: Jesus Christ! How drunk are you?

Me: Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

CG: #facepalm!

*Nine Pegs Down*

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Me: No shit, Sherlock!

CG: Dude, SHUT UP MAN!

Me: You shut up, you ************************************************************** (too many vulgar explicits).

CG: Jeez! You kiss your mom with that mouth?

*Ten Pegs Down*

CG: Don’t you think Hugo Weaving did a good portrayal of  Elrod’s character?

MS: Yeah man, his acting is good.

Me: Yeah man! I friggin’ love Hugo Weaving man! I love him in V for Vendetta! I love him in the Transformer! And I love him in The Matrix! Yeah! Agent Smith!

CG: Seesh! Drunk much?

MS: The Matrix?

Me: Yeah! Agent Smith man! Agent f***ing Smith!

MS: Nope! Haven’t seen Matrix.

Me: You what? Haven’t seen The Matrix? How the hell are you still living with yourself?

MS: Errrrr…

Me: Screw this shit! Lets watch Matrix instead!

CG: Ummmmmm, Hello!  We were watching LOTR!

Me: You’re damn right! Were, as in past tense! Now we ‘are’ watching The Matrix!

CG: Aaaaaaaaaagh! You drunk **************************************************************************! (Vulgar explicits, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that!).

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O Canada!

At a house party, a bunch of PYT’s were chatting among themselves.

PYT#1: Hey, did you hear about blah blah?

PYT#2: Yeah, I heard she’s relocating?

PYT#3: To Caneda apparently! 

*I walk upto them*

Me: Hey girls! What are you all chatting about? 

PYT#1: Hey, did you hear about blah blah?

Me: No, what about her? 

PYT#1: She’s moving to Caneda. There’s a huge Punjabi community there. Her entire family is relocating. 

Me: You mean Canada?

PYT#2: Dude! That only! Caneda – Canada, same thing! 

Me: Errrrr……

picard facepalm meme 4chan lol wtf

Bitch Please!

I’m a big fan of Suicide Girls. You might ask why. Well, I LOVE goth chicks, I LOVE chicks with ink on their skin and a few piercings here and there doesn’t hurt either. But lets not digress into my fetishes. Anyways, as any fan would do, I decided a hang a poster dedicated to Suicide Girls on my wall. There was a tiny problem though, I didn’t want to go through the embarrassment of getting a poster printed which had naked tattooed goth chicks on them while the guys at the printing shop give me disapproving looks. So I decided to get a classy poster instead. I opted for the minimalist poster style and I found one that I liked.

Ogi_Logo

The poster was framed and was hung on my wall for everyone to admire.

Walks in my good friend NM, who’s a big fan of my poster collection. He looks at my latest addition and gives it his look of approval and then drops the bomb.

NM: Dude…?

Me: Yeah?

NM: So this SG, does this you know, like stand for Spice Girls

Me: B*tch Please! Suicide Girls man! That’s the stuff!

NM: Phew! I was beginning to think that you’ve gone soft! 

Me: Dafaq!

pokerface_clean

The Asshole Tax

The way my friend DG swipes his credit card, you’d think that he owns an oilfield. Unfortunately, like every mortal soul he’s forced to go around begging in the last week of every month and recover the money that he’s loaned out to various people. His perseverance in recovering money would put many a seasoned Marwari businessmen and collection agencies to shame. Soon it was my turn to pay him back some money that I owed him, only that he choose a very wrong day to ask me. I had a bad week and I was in a mood to be an asshole to anyone who annoyed me.

DG: Dude?

Me: Yeah?

DG: You owe me 500 bucks and I kinda need it right now.

Me: Why do I owe you 500 bucks?

DG: You see, on blah blah date, I bought a couple of beers for you and you told me that you’ll pay me the next day and that didn’t happen.

Me: That was two months ago! You should have asked me then! I got no money on me!

DG: Dude! I’m broke! I have a huge debt on my credit card!

Me: Serves you right for swiping your card like there’s no tomorrow.

DG: DUDE! I’m serious!

Me: You know, the last time I was at your place, you were a dick to me.

DG: Yeah, I’m sorry for that.

Me: Well, I haven’t forgotten that. I’m gonna charge you asshole tax! (a la Fight Club)

DG: What’s that?

Me: It’s a tax that I’m gonna deduct because you were an asshole.

DG: It’s not fair! I said I’m sorry!

Me: No Can Do!

DG: Fine! Have it your way. How much money will be left over after you deduct the asshole tax?

Me: You poor b******. You don’t have the faintest idea, do you?

Click here to listen.

are-you-fucking-kidding-me-guy-meme-face

Whose Laura Is It Anyway?

Skoda Laura is an impressive car. It’s one of the best selling cars in its segment in India. Even the name Laura is majestic, meaning victor. However, releasing cars named as Laura in India is a BIG mistake. And you (the guys at Skoda and the people who have bought this car) should be prepared to be subjected to endless lists of bad puns and ridicule.

Location: DG’s scenic terrace.

Characters: DG, SA, PGI and Me

Scene: We had just finished munching down some insane BBQ. Full of food and alcohol, we were all zoning out in different corners of the terrace.

Start Scene

*DG looks down from the terrace and notices my car parked below*

DG: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

DG: Do you have a Laura?

*Stunned silence befalls the already silent terrace*

Me: Errrr….

DG: Well do you have a Laura or not?

*SA is rolling on the floor laughing and PGI is in a state of shock* (Click here if you don’t know what Laura means in Hindi)

*After what seems like eternity has passed*

Me: I have an Octavia

PGI: Phew! You guys are talking about cars! Seesh! 

DG: Ah okay. I thought you had a Laura. 

Me: Ummmm, I do have one….

DG: So you have two cars? 

Me: Errr… Nevermind

End Scene.

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B(.)(.)BY TRAPPED!

Recently, the whole gang was chilling at my place and one my friends, PBA was showing us this new app he had downloaded on his iPhone.

PBA: Guys! Check out this app! It tells you awesome dares that you can perform!

CG: Read one out!

PBA: Squeeze a woman’s boobs for atleast 10 secs. If you’re a woman, then you can squeeze your own boobs.

Me: Sweet! Me likey!

CG looks at me.

CG: Dude, you’ve got your work cutout for you. You can squeeze your man-boobs!

Everyone is on the floor laughing.

Me: Dafaq!

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This Is Sparta!

A close friend of mine, DG, has a kickass pad. He lives in a penthouse that overlooks the city skyline and his place also happens to be our (my friends and I) favorite pad for a house party. DG is a gracious host but puke in his loo and he will rain down hell on you that you’d think you murdered his mom.

Tired of people puking all over his fancy bathroom except in the commode, DG decided to put a DIY poster directing people where to puke and the consequences if those directions weren’t followed. He took a poster which depicted a very popular scene from the Zack Snyder movie, 300.

This was the poster that he used.

Minimalistic-Sparta-Signs-Funny-Warning-Caution-Stick-Figures-Simple-Yellow-Background-Kicking-25--485x728

DG is a man of many great qualities, unfortunately neither copywriting nor english was his strongest point.

The poster read :

CAUTION : FOLLOW THE RULES!

EITHERWISE THIS IS SPARTA!

I glanced upon this poster while taking a leak during one of our super-awesome house parties.

Me: DG, This is wrong!

DG: What is wrong?

Me: The poster. It should read ‘Otherwise It’s Sparta’, not ‘Eitherwise It’s Sparta’.

DG: What’s the difference?

Me: Otherwise means, follow the rules else this is sparta. Eitherwise  means whether you followed the rules or not, it’s going to be sparta either way.

(DG stares at the poster with deep thinking eyes)

DG: Hmmmmm. What did you say the word should be?

Me: Otherwise. O-T-H-E-R-W-I-S-E.

DG: What did I write?

Me: Eitherwise. E-I-T-H-E-R-W-I-S-E.

DG: Same thing! C’mon!

Me: Dafaq!

300