The Return Of The Blonde

The Tiesto concert was around the corner. MM calls me up, out of the blue.

MM: Hey!

Me: Hey! 

MM: Listen, do you think that I can still get tickets to the concert?

Me: Yeah sure, my friend has physical passes. I can hook you up with him.

MM: What are those?

Me: Ummmmm, physical tickets…You know, tickets…

MM: I got the tickets part, but what is this physical?

Me: Never mind, I’ve a DJ friend. I’ll hook you up with him. He can help you.

MM: Hey! Even I have DJ friend. Maybe I’ll go with him!

Me: Errrrrrr…. Sure. What ever makes you happy! 

No Tissue, No Issue!

I was at a popular pub, when I happen to overhear this conversation from the table next to mine. There were about six people, three guys and three girls. They were discussing about whether your bride should be a virgin or not at the time of marriage.

Guy#1: Call me old fashioned, but I would want my wife to be a virgin!

Girl#1: You’re such a hypocrite! You have slept with other women, but you want your wife to be a virgin!?

Guy#2: The rules are different for guys, ok? In our society, women who have pre-marital sex are looked down on.

Girl#2: That’s so archaic! In this day and age, everyone has pre-marital sex! Besides, what does it matter whether the girl is a virgin or not?

Guy#3: I second with Guy#1! I don’t want to get the feeling that someone has already slept with my wife.

Girl#1: That’s so chauvinistic! If you’re so concerned that whether she’s slept with someone before you, just don’t ask.

Girl#2: Besides, why is that if men sleep with many girls, he’s branded a stud but if a woman sleeps around with many men, she’s branded a slut! Why are there double standards?

Guy#3: You see, Confucius once said: “If a single key can open many locks, it’s a master key. But if a single lock can be opened with many keys, it’s a shitty lock”!

*The guys high five each other. The women look annoyed*

Girl#1: Oh please, Confucius didn’t say anything like that.

Girl#2: You guys are such chauvinistic pigs!

*At this point, Girl#3, who was silent all this while, bangs the table*

Guy#1: Dafaq woman! You almost spilled my beer!

Girl#3: Why are you guys making such a big issue about a tissue? Relax guys.

*I’m sipping my beer, listening to the whole conversation*

 Me (to myself): Whoa mama! Cheers to that! 

 

APBHU7B6EVAF

The Guys Rules

My friend, IG sent me this forward. It was so hilarious that I HAD to share it with you.

I give you:

Atlast a guy has taken the time to write all of this down.
Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: These are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want a solution. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret models, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauveis.

1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. You are in shape. Round IS a shape!

This list  just made my day!

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

My friend, PGS sends me a text.

PGS: Hey! I read your blog post.

Me: Which one?

PGS: Why? Why? Why? 

Me: Liked it?

PGS: Well, who is this SP that you have mentioned?

Me: Someone. You don’t know her.

PGS: Are you sure that it’s not me? 

Me: Seesh, narcissistic much?

PGS: Go jump! It’s just you’re always going on about how I need to put make up and I started doing so recently. Hence…

Me: Relax. It’s not you.

PGS: Good. By the way, check out my new Facebook pic.

Me: Uh…huh..

PGS: What?

Me: Nothing.

PGS: Tell me!

Me: It’s nothing.

PGS: Dude, either you tell me right now or I come over to your place and strangle you!

Me: Fine. It’s the lipstick.

PGS: What about it?

Me: Nothing, just an observation.

PGS: Dude! Tell me right now! Is it too much? Or what?

Me: Just saying, you know…

PGS: What? What? What? Tell me! This conversation isn’t over!

Me: Seesh, what shade is that? Crack whore red?

 PGS: Dafaq! I’m gonna kill you! Just wait till I get my hands on you! I’m never ever gonna put make up henceforth! You wait and watch Mister!

Me: Hehehehe

Too Much Information!

After a night out with friends, I usually call them later in the night to check whether they reached home safely or not, or whether they had any trouble in doing so.

SDM was one such friend. SDM and I would go out drinking often and I would check up on her later on. She had a tendency to pick up fights with auto drivers who would demand extra money just because it as 11 pm or that fact that she was a woman. Nevertheless, under the influence of alcohol, she would turn into Joan Of Arc and rain down fire of them. That again is a different story, lets get back to the present one.

One night after a round of drinking at Mojos, we went to our respective homes. I called her up at around midnight to ensure that she had reached home safely.

Me: Hey!

SDM: Hey to you too! 

Me: Reached home safely? 

SDM: Yup! You know just because I’m a woman, you don’t have to assume that I can’t get home on my own.

Me: Hey, I was just asking, OK?

SDM: Chill dear! You know how I love yanking your chain. 

Me: Hmmmmm, so what you upto?

SDM: Nothing much. Trying to take a dump. I’ve been constipated for the past couple of days and today I feel lucky! 😀

Me: Oh My God!!!! Why would you tell me that!!? Why? That’s TMI man! Too much information! 

SDM: Hello! You asked me what I was upto?!

Me: I can’t un-hear what I just heard! FML!

That’s What She Said!

To end my whining about not having a girlfriend, my friends decided to set me up on  a blind date. You might think, how sweet of them. But the truth is that they had enough of my whining and were close to throwing me off DG’s terrace.

So meet my date, MM. Mid 20’s, marketing executive at a popular Bangalore based firm. The date was going well, except that I was bored as hell. The conversations just kept on revolving around the different parties she had been to and the number of times she had blacked out from excessive drinking.

MM: I was like blah blah, then you know, it was like blah blah blah and then I was like blah blah blah….

Me: Uh…huh… Go on…

MM: blah blah blah blah, it was so long and hard!

Me: Ha! That’s what she said!

MM: Sorry?

 Me: That’s what she said! Get it?

MM: Who’s this she?

Me: Ummm, nevermind.

MM: Wait! Are you like already dating someone? Or you like, you know trying to two time someone?

Me: Ummmm. No….

MM: Then who’s this ‘she’ you just referred to? 

Me: Are you seriously stupid or you just pretending to be one?

It’s safe to assume that I never heard from her ever again.

Every Friggin Time!

Diamonds Are Womens Best Friend

I was 14 years old and I was religiously studying for my Science final exam. The chapter was on crystals.

There was a line that I didn’t quite understand. ‘Diamonds have a very high cleavage‘.

Too lazy to open the dictionary, I asked my dad, hoping that he would shed some light on this mystery.

Me: Dad?

Dad: Yeah?

Me: What does cleavage mean?

Dad: Where did you learn that word?

Me: From my science textbook.

Dad: Ok. Cleavage means, ummmmmm….. Ummmmm… It means…. Ummmmm…. How do I say it? I think you better check the dictionary.

Left with no option, I opened the good old Oxford dictionary. This is what it said.

Cleavage: (\ˈklē-vij\) The depression between a woman’s breasts especially when made visible by a low-cut neckline.

Me: Man, this dictionary is wrong! Womans breasts it seems! Seesh!

Fast forward six years later.

GF: Oh baby! You should buy me a diamond solitaire!

Me: For what joy?

GF: So that I can show off! Imagine the how beautiful my neck will look! Not to mention the cleavage!

Me: Cleavage huh? Interesting. Oh wait! Now everything makes sense! The connection between men, cleavage and diamonds.

GF: What you thinking about baby? The diamond solitaire?

Me: Yeah, sure baby.

To Tap Or Not To Tap?

My friend CR is a very old fashioned woman. She is vehemently against pre-marital sex and she rains hell on those who dare to sing the glorious songs about the joy of sex in front of her.

We were having a chat about something  when our friend HP decided to join our conversation. HP is 19 years old and had recently joined a prestigious city college, known for its abundance of beauty on its campus (The female kind of beauty, not the nature kind. In case you were wondering).

HP: Man, so many hotties in my college! So many to tap!

CR: What? Tap? Seriously? Is that how you treat women?

HP: Chill woman, It’s just tapping. Nothing serious!

CR: Just tapping? Seesh, you’re just 19 years old! I’m gonna tell your mom!

Me: Chill CR. HP, did you really tap a chick?

HP: Errrrr….

CR: Well?

Me: Well, if you did, then – RESPECT TO YOU!

(We bump fist)

CR: Stop corrupting him! He shouldn’t be thinking about ‘tapping’ at this age! He should concentrate on his studies!

Me: Relax CR! Not everyone decides to wait like you. You’re 27 and you still haven’t done it! Your first time is going to be so awful! 

CR: Oh please! Big deal. My fiance is 32 and he hasn’t tapped anyone either! In fact he doesn’t even know how to kiss! I had to teach him! 

(HP and I double up in laughter)

Me: That’s too much information! 

HP: You both are made for each other. 

Me: Your first night together is not going to go well. Both of you will be wondering what goes where!

HP: Oh yeah! I can totally see that happening!

Me: While choosing music for the occasion, ensure that you choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every five minutes! 

HP: Amen to that!

CR: Oh please! We’ll just watch porn and figure it out! Alright? Now lets drop the subject!

(My sides start aching from all that laughing)

Me: Did you really say porn? This just keeps on getting better!

Why? Why? Why?

I was on Facebook and noticed that my friend SP had uploaded a new profile pic. It looked like she had jumped into a pool of make up and forgot to wipe herself clean afterwards.

Me: What’s with the profile pic?

SP: Why? What’s wrong with it?

Me: Isn’t that too much make up?

SP: So you’re saying that I don’t look good?

Me: Generally you do. But in this case, it looks like you stumbled across your mummy’s make up kit and decided to run wild with it.

SP: You’re just jealous! 

Me: Pfft! Of what?

SP: Because you can’t put make up and look pretty like me!

Me: Good lord!