What Have You Been Smoking Bro?

CG, My Bro and I were heading to a concert on a Saturday night. Bangalore is notorious for traffic snarls and today was no exception. While we waited for the traffic to move, this what happened.

Me: Man, I hate traffic jams!

CG: I don’t think anyone likes them.

Me: Don’t be such a smart-ass!

CG: Uh huh….

Bro: Imagine if we had hover-cars! Like in The Jetsons!

Me: Yeah! That’d be awesome! We could fly everywhere!

Bro: No more traffic jams! Everyone will be flying!

CG: Guys, if everyone’s going to be flying, then won’t there be traffic snarls in the sky too?

Me: Errrr…

CG: See, if everyone could fly, then there would still be traffic signals in the sky and we’ll still be stuck in traffic jams.

Bro: Hmmmm… Point. Wait! What if we could pass through cars? Imagine that!

Me: Oh yeah! It’ll be flawless! We could pass through any car! It’s perfect! Problem solved!

Bro: Yeah we could travel anywhere at top speed and not worry about crashing

Me: Awesome!

CG: What dafaq have you guys been smoking?

the fuck is wrong with you

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The Asshole Tax

The way my friend DG swipes his credit card, you’d think that he owns an oilfield. Unfortunately, like every mortal soul he’s forced to go around begging in the last week of every month and recover the money that he’s loaned out to various people. His perseverance in recovering money would put many a seasoned Marwari businessmen and collection agencies to shame. Soon it was my turn to pay him back some money that I owed him, only that he choose a very wrong day to ask me. I had a bad week and I was in a mood to be an asshole to anyone who annoyed me.

DG: Dude?

Me: Yeah?

DG: You owe me 500 bucks and I kinda need it right now.

Me: Why do I owe you 500 bucks?

DG: You see, on blah blah date, I bought a couple of beers for you and you told me that you’ll pay me the next day and that didn’t happen.

Me: That was two months ago! You should have asked me then! I got no money on me!

DG: Dude! I’m broke! I have a huge debt on my credit card!

Me: Serves you right for swiping your card like there’s no tomorrow.

DG: DUDE! I’m serious!

Me: You know, the last time I was at your place, you were a dick to me.

DG: Yeah, I’m sorry for that.

Me: Well, I haven’t forgotten that. I’m gonna charge you asshole tax! (a la Fight Club)

DG: What’s that?

Me: It’s a tax that I’m gonna deduct because you were an asshole.

DG: It’s not fair! I said I’m sorry!

Me: No Can Do!

DG: Fine! Have it your way. How much money will be left over after you deduct the asshole tax?

Me: You poor b******. You don’t have the faintest idea, do you?

Click here to listen.

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10 Classic Indianisms: ‘Doing The Needful’ And More

I came across this article on CNN Travel. It made me realize how we’ve been speaking English while making these god awful mistakes and no one bothers to corrects us.

 

Here’s for your reading pleasure: 10 Classic Indianisms

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. ‘Passing out’

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.

You do not “pass out” from that institution.

To “pass out” refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearingyou’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually “passing out,” but this is rare at best.

2. ‘Kindly revert’

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means “to return to a former state.”

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today.”

3. ‘Years back’

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not “years back.”

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched “ago” for “back” probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of “back,” asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. ‘Doing the needful’

Try to avoid using the phrase “do the needful.” It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it’s done too.”

5. ‘Discuss about’

“What shall we discuss about today?”

“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”

You don’t “discuss about” something; you just discuss things.

The word “discuss” means to “talk about”. There is no reason to insert the word “about” after “discuss.”

That would be like saying “talk about about.” Which “brings about” me to my next peeve.

 

6. ‘Order for’

“Hey, let’s order for a pizza.”

“Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”

When you order something, you “order” it, you do not “order for” it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the “doing” word and added “for” to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. ‘Do one thing’

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase “do one thing,” you’re doing it wrong.

“Do one thing” is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.

There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with “do one thing” invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.

“My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer… .”

8. ‘Out of station’

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”

“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What’s wrong with “out of town” or “not in Mumbai” or my favorite “I’m not here”?

9. The big sleep

“I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming.”

“OK, say hi to it for me.”

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. “Sleep is coming” is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. ‘Prepone’

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

“Prepone” is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like “could you please bring the meeting forward.”

Prepone it is.

There are many more pure grammatical “gems” in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll get better at English.

Till then, kindly adjust.

Read the original article here: http://travel.cnn.com/mumbai/life/10-indianisms-652344

Hey Everyone!

I’ve finally found the time to change the permalink of this blog from http://dairyofawhinyguy.wordpress.com to https://diaryofawhinyguy.wordpress.com.

So anyone typing the old URL will land on a page that looks like this:

Redirect

Don’t worry! Just enter the new URL: https://diaryofawhinyguy.wordpress.com

Also, remember to change your bookmark and bookmark the new URL. Google is going to take a while to re-index the pages, so hold on to your butts!

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While I work on the kazillion 301 / 404 redirects, have fun reading my blog.

Thanks for your support so far! 🙂

Sincerely,

The Whiny Guy

PS: You can add me on Facebook here – http://www.facebook.com/thewhinyguy and follow me on Twitter here – https://twitter.com/TheWhinyGuy (@TheWhinyGuy)

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