Multitasking, Like A Baws!

My friend, FF is an avid collector of porn. Unlike most men, who go lengths to hide their porn collection, FF would boast about his collection to anyone who would care to listen. All his porn, all 150 GB of it would be classified neatly. As far as I could remember, in 2006, 150 GB of free space was a luxury very few people could afford to have. From Asian to Latino, from Caucasian to Interracial, which would be further classified into softcore, hardcore, x-rated, xxx-rated, whatever-rated,FF had it all. And his biggest fan happened to be none other than LKB.

This used to be LKB’s routine as soon as we would enter FF’s room.

1. Bolt the door.

2. Turn the volume up.

3. Play the most bare backing-iest, ball slappy-iest porn movie he could find, while FF and I would suddenly decide to talk about an assignment that was due in class.

4. Plug in headphones and listen to the whole thing. (I never got that part).

5. Disappear mysteriously for couple of minutes to the loo. (We all know where he went. It’s very subtly implied).

6. Come out looking ‘refreshed’.

Well, on one such occasion his mom happened to call. Instead of letting the phone ring, LKB decided to attend the call.

FF paused the movie, so that LKB could talk without sounding *funny*.

LKB: Hey mom, hold on. Dude, let the movie play, I can do both.

FF and I: For real?

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To Tap Or Not To Tap?

My friend CR is a very old fashioned woman. She is vehemently against pre-marital sex and she rains hell on those who dare to sing the glorious songs about the joy of sex in front of her.

We were having a chat about something  when our friend HP decided to join our conversation. HP is 19 years old and had recently joined a prestigious city college, known for its abundance of beauty on its campus (The female kind of beauty, not the nature kind. In case you were wondering).

HP: Man, so many hotties in my college! So many to tap!

CR: What? Tap? Seriously? Is that how you treat women?

HP: Chill woman, It’s just tapping. Nothing serious!

CR: Just tapping? Seesh, you’re just 19 years old! I’m gonna tell your mom!

Me: Chill CR. HP, did you really tap a chick?

HP: Errrrr….

CR: Well?

Me: Well, if you did, then – RESPECT TO YOU!

(We bump fist)

CR: Stop corrupting him! He shouldn’t be thinking about ‘tapping’ at this age! He should concentrate on his studies!

Me: Relax CR! Not everyone decides to wait like you. You’re 27 and you still haven’t done it! Your first time is going to be so awful! 

CR: Oh please! Big deal. My fiance is 32 and he hasn’t tapped anyone either! In fact he doesn’t even know how to kiss! I had to teach him! 

(HP and I double up in laughter)

Me: That’s too much information! 

HP: You both are made for each other. 

Me: Your first night together is not going to go well. Both of you will be wondering what goes where!

HP: Oh yeah! I can totally see that happening!

Me: While choosing music for the occasion, ensure that you choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every five minutes! 

HP: Amen to that!

CR: Oh please! We’ll just watch porn and figure it out! Alright? Now lets drop the subject!

(My sides start aching from all that laughing)

Me: Did you really say porn? This just keeps on getting better!

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