CG: Why don’t the Transformers come to India?
Me: Because we have frequent power cuts?
CG: No, they are afraid that people will pee on them!
Me: #facepalm
CG: Also, it’ll be a ‘step down‘ for them! Get it?
Me: KMN! KMN! KMN!
In a parallel universe.
Category Archives: Movies
You Shall Not Watch!
Last Friday, my friends were supposed to drop into my place for a house party, which unfortunately DID NOT happen. Their excuses varied from “I’m depressed because Arsenal is not going to win the premier league this season” to “my neighbors cat died”.
Anyways, the result was this: I had an empty house (except for CG and MS), a lot of food and a lot of booze. As pissed as I was, I decided to get *sloshed drunk*, to calm myself down. CG and MS decided to make me watch a movie to soothe my nerves. After a lot of debating, they decided on The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring.
When it comes to the Stars Wars Vs Lords Of The Ring, I’m pro Star Wars!
*The movie starts playing*
Narrator: In the beginning of time, there were three rings for the Elves, seven rings for the Dwarfs and nine rings for the Humans.
Me: What do these rings do?
CG: I’ll explain it to you later. It’s kinda long.
Me: Pfft..!
CG: Dude, just watch!
Me: Where are these rings now?
CG: The elves hid their rings, dwarfs lost four of their rings and have three rings left. And the humans wore their rings and they became the Ringwraiths.
Me: Stupid humans!
*One Peg Down*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.
Me: Yeah, right! Try giving that as an excuse to your mom, when you’re returning home drunk at 2 am!
CG: Hahaha.
*Two Pegs Down*
Me: Why does Bilbo Baggins never wear that ring?
CG: Because he has no lust for power.
Me: I see…. Smart guy. How come the eye of Sauron always on?
CG: Because that’s how he can sense the ring.
Me: Does it ever blink?
CG: Dude! C’mon! That’s stupid!
Me: Uh..huh..
*Four Pegs Down*
Me: Dude, have you noticed that the Hobbits have no facial hair?
CG: Uh..huh..
Me: Imagine, they’d go to a barber to get their legs shaved instead!
CG: Dude! F*** off! Just watch!
*Five Pegs Down*
Me: Dude, why don’t just fly to Mordor on that big bird thing?
CG: Because air travel was expensive back then.
Me: Yeah right…. Don’t f*** around man!
CG: Then stop asking me stupid questions and read the book!
Me: It’s not stupid! It’s a genuine question!
CG: I’m not going to dignify that with a response!
Me: C***!
*Seven Pegs Down*
Me: Look dude! Ned Stark!
CG: Dude, that’s Boromir! The son of the steward of Gondor!
Me: Same person!
CG: Aaaaaaaagh! Dude!
*Eight Pegs Down*
Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.
Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur‘s heir?
Me: Snap! You didn’t see that coming, did ya?
CG: Jesus Christ! How drunk are you?
Me: Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!
CG: #facepalm!
*Nine Pegs Down*
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.
Me: No shit, Sherlock!
CG: Dude, SHUT UP MAN!
Me: You shut up, you ************************************************************** (too many vulgar explicits).
CG: Jeez! You kiss your mom with that mouth?
*Ten Pegs Down*
CG: Don’t you think Hugo Weaving did a good portrayal of Elrod’s character?
MS: Yeah man, his acting is good.
Me: Yeah man! I friggin’ love Hugo Weaving man! I love him in V for Vendetta! I love him in the Transformer! And I love him in The Matrix! Yeah! Agent Smith!
CG: Seesh! Drunk much?
MS: The Matrix?
Me: Yeah! Agent Smith man! Agent f***ing Smith!
MS: Nope! Haven’t seen Matrix.
Me: You what? Haven’t seen The Matrix? How the hell are you still living with yourself?
MS: Errrrr…
Me: Screw this shit! Lets watch Matrix instead!
CG: Ummmmmm, Hello! We were watching LOTR!
Me: You’re damn right! Were, as in past tense! Now we ‘are’ watching The Matrix!
CG: Aaaaaaaaaagh! You drunk **************************************************************************! (Vulgar explicits, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that!).
Dude, You Need Help
*I walked into into LKB’s room without knocking*
Me: Whoa! Dude! If you’re watching porn, please bolt your door!
LKB: It’s not porn.
Me: Ummmm, yeah it is. Naked pictures of women was classified as porn, the last time I checked.
LKB: No. These are nude pictures. Artistically taken.
Me: Uh..huh… Sure.. Wait, is that Emma Watson? The kid from Harry Potter? Dude, c’mon – She’s just a kid!
LKB: Hello! She’s 22! That’s just two years younger than me!
Me: But still, this is wrong. Just plain wrong.
*LKB is busy scrolling through the pictures*
LKB: Damn, she’s nude but they don’t show her boobs anywhere! Lots of cleavage but no boobs!
Me: Ok… So?
LKB: So nothing! This was a waste of my time! I rather check back in a couple of years once she’s got a boob job.
Me: Errrr, you need help. Like professional help. ASAP!
The Domino’s Incident
MS and I were, lets say under the influence of *questionable substances* and were in no state to make any logical decisions.
MS: Dude!
Me: Yeah?
MS: Let’s order pizza! From Domino’s!
Me: Good idea!
MS: I got a coupon too! Buy one and get one free!
Me: Awesome! Order one pepperoni and one peppy paneer (cottage cheese).
MS: Sounds like a plan.
*MS finishes ordering*
Me: How much was the bill?
MS: 584 bucks.
Me: 584? Isn’t that too much? I’d thought that it’ll be around 450.
MS: No idea. Must be extra tax.
Me: Hmmmmm, ok.
*After five minutes*
MS: Dude!
Me: What!
MS: I think, we’ve been taken for a ride!
Me: Why?
MS: Tax is about 15% ?
Me: Yeah…
MS: So the pizza is 370 + 50 + 45 = 465! And the other pizza is free!
*At this point, all I could imagine was the numbers from that movie, A Beautiful Mind*
Me: Ummmm, ok…
MS: So the tax is 15%. 15% of 465 is 69.75! So the bill must come upto 534.75! Not 584! We’ve been fleeced!
*By this time I was convinced that MS was higher than Mt.Everest. So I got off my lazy ass, did all the calculations and found out that MS was right. Calculating the bill was so intense that all my buzz came down*
Me: Ok, you’re right!
MS: Let the Domino’s guy come. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind!
*Twenty minutes laters, the Domino’s guy arrives and hands me the bill*
Me: Dude.
MS: Yeah?
Me: You’re such a dopehead!
MS: Why?
Me: The bill was 534.75 all this while! You heard wrong!
Me: Oh, oops… My bad.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! You S.O.B!
Bitch Please!
I’m a big fan of Suicide Girls. You might ask why. Well, I LOVE goth chicks, I LOVE chicks with ink on their skin and a few piercings here and there doesn’t hurt either. But lets not digress into my fetishes. Anyways, as any fan would do, I decided a hang a poster dedicated to Suicide Girls on my wall. There was a tiny problem though, I didn’t want to go through the embarrassment of getting a poster printed which had naked tattooed goth chicks on them while the guys at the printing shop give me disapproving looks. So I decided to get a classy poster instead. I opted for the minimalist poster style and I found one that I liked.
The poster was framed and was hung on my wall for everyone to admire.
Walks in my good friend NM, who’s a big fan of my poster collection. He looks at my latest addition and gives it his look of approval and then drops the bomb.
NM: Dude…?
Me: Yeah?
NM: So this SG, does this you know, like stand for Spice Girls?
Me: B*tch Please! Suicide Girls man! That’s the stuff!
NM: Phew! I was beginning to think that you’ve gone soft!
Me: Dafaq!
Multitasking, Like A Baws!
My friend, FF is an avid collector of porn. Unlike most men, who go lengths to hide their porn collection, FF would boast about his collection to anyone who would care to listen. All his porn, all 150 GB of it would be classified neatly. As far as I could remember, in 2006, 150 GB of free space was a luxury very few people could afford to have. From Asian to Latino, from Caucasian to Interracial, which would be further classified into softcore, hardcore, x-rated, xxx-rated, whatever-rated,FF had it all. And his biggest fan happened to be none other than LKB.
This used to be LKB’s routine as soon as we would enter FF’s room.
1. Bolt the door.
2. Turn the volume up.
3. Play the most bare backing-iest, ball slappy-iest porn movie he could find, while FF and I would suddenly decide to talk about an assignment that was due in class.
4. Plug in headphones and listen to the whole thing. (I never got that part).
5. Disappear mysteriously for couple of minutes to the loo. (We all know where he went. It’s very subtly implied).
6. Come out looking ‘refreshed’.
Well, on one such occasion his mom happened to call. Instead of letting the phone ring, LKB decided to attend the call.
FF paused the movie, so that LKB could talk without sounding *funny*.
LKB: Hey mom, hold on. Dude, let the movie play, I can do both.
FF and I: For real?
Sh*t Just Got Real…..
LKB and I go way back. We were roommates at our college hostel and also shared a flat when we moved out from the college accommodation later on. LKB is a super fun guy, always game for some mischief or the other. At parties, just give him a few rounds of Vodka and prepared to be entertained through the night. Our conversations, under the influence of certain *questionable substances* would be so retarded that passive listeners would wonder if we could be certified as morons, legally. You know, like Steve Carell from that movie, Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy.
Excerpts from one of our most EPIC conversations.
LKB: Dude?
Me: Yeah?
LKB: Have you noticed that most South Indian women have long hair?
Me: Yeah……
LKB: Like really long! I mean, Jesus! (LKB is a not so devout Catholic boy) It’s so long that it hangs below their butt!
*I’m rolling on the floor, laughing*
Me: Yeah, I know.
LKB: Have you wondered what happens when they go to the loo?
Me: Errrrrr…. Number 1 or number 2?
LKB: Number 2!
Me: Ok, so what about it?
LKB: Well, their hair is so long, that they’d have to wrap it around their necks like a scarf so that it doesn’t touch the water!
*I’m laughing uncontrollably*
LKB: Think about it! Imagine if their hair touches the toilet water before they flush!
Me: Ewwwww….
LKB: Dude! What if they have to go to an Indian style loo?
*By this point, my sides are aching, aching real bad*
Random Guy listening to our conversation: Dafaq is wrong with you two?
LKB: Sh*t just got real man!
Random Guy: No sh*t, you dope!
The Asshole Tax
The way my friend DG swipes his credit card, you’d think that he owns an oilfield. Unfortunately, like every mortal soul he’s forced to go around begging in the last week of every month and recover the money that he’s loaned out to various people. His perseverance in recovering money would put many a seasoned Marwari businessmen and collection agencies to shame. Soon it was my turn to pay him back some money that I owed him, only that he choose a very wrong day to ask me. I had a bad week and I was in a mood to be an asshole to anyone who annoyed me.
DG: Dude?
Me: Yeah?
DG: You owe me 500 bucks and I kinda need it right now.
Me: Why do I owe you 500 bucks?
DG: You see, on blah blah date, I bought a couple of beers for you and you told me that you’ll pay me the next day and that didn’t happen.
Me: That was two months ago! You should have asked me then! I got no money on me!
DG: Dude! I’m broke! I have a huge debt on my credit card!
Me: Serves you right for swiping your card like there’s no tomorrow.
DG: DUDE! I’m serious!
Me: You know, the last time I was at your place, you were a dick to me.
DG: Yeah, I’m sorry for that.
Me: Well, I haven’t forgotten that. I’m gonna charge you asshole tax! (a la Fight Club)
DG: What’s that?
Me: It’s a tax that I’m gonna deduct because you were an asshole.
DG: It’s not fair! I said I’m sorry!
Me: No Can Do!
DG: Fine! Have it your way. How much money will be left over after you deduct the asshole tax?
Me: You poor b******. You don’t have the faintest idea, do you?
Click here to listen.
A Diary Of A Whiny Guy 