Death By PJ – 4

FF, LKB and I were driving to the beach.

LKB: Hey FF!

FF: Yeah?

LKB: You must have been with a lot of women, right?

FF: Yeah sure.

LKB: So, do you know what a woman says when she sees a huge c**k?

FF: Ummmm, no.

LKB: Yeah, I thought so too! Buuuuurrrrrn! 

FF: Dafaq!

Me: Hahaha, good one! High Five! 

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What Have You Been Smoking Bro?

CG, My Bro and I were heading to a concert on a Saturday night. Bangalore is notorious for traffic snarls and today was no exception. While we waited for the traffic to move, this what happened.

Me: Man, I hate traffic jams!

CG: I don’t think anyone likes them.

Me: Don’t be such a smart-ass!

CG: Uh huh….

Bro: Imagine if we had hover-cars! Like in The Jetsons!

Me: Yeah! That’d be awesome! We could fly everywhere!

Bro: No more traffic jams! Everyone will be flying!

CG: Guys, if everyone’s going to be flying, then won’t there be traffic snarls in the sky too?

Me: Errrr…

CG: See, if everyone could fly, then there would still be traffic signals in the sky and we’ll still be stuck in traffic jams.

Bro: Hmmmm… Point. Wait! What if we could pass through cars? Imagine that!

Me: Oh yeah! It’ll be flawless! We could pass through any car! It’s perfect! Problem solved!

Bro: Yeah we could travel anywhere at top speed and not worry about crashing

Me: Awesome!

CG: What dafaq have you guys been smoking?

the fuck is wrong with you

You’d Think So?

My roomie MS is a natural sales guy. He can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator. Yup, that’s how good he is. Unfortunately, under the influence of alcohol, MS tends to shoot his mouth off. And that happens very often. It’s funny to watch him at first, then it just gets really painful to bear him. Although this doesn’t seem to affect the no. of women who tend to fall head over heels for him.

One day after work, MS was drunk as usual. He called me up and asked me to pick him up. CG agreed to tag along. When we picked MS up, he was heavily inebriated and was on the phone with one of his lady friends.

Ladyfriend: blah blah blah blah……

MS: Oh yeah? That’s good. So what else?

Ladyfriend: blah blah blah blah……

MS: Oh, you have a dog. Sweet! I love dogs. What’s your dogs name?

Ladyfriend: blah blah blah blah Tommy….

MS: Tommy? That’s such a stupid name for a dog! You should name your dog *******. That’s  a kickass name. Who the hell names their dog Tommy?

Ladyfriend: blah blah blah blah hospital…..

MS: Oh, he’s at the vet? Critical condition? I hope your dog dies! Then you can get a new dog and name it ********! That’s an apt name for a dog! Let that be a lesson to you, not to name your pet something stupid like Tommy! 

The line goes dead.

MS: Hello? Hello? There?

MS looks at us with a sheepish grin.

MS: Dude, I think she hung up.

Me: No Shit, Sherlock. 

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Whose Laura Is It Anyway?

Skoda Laura is an impressive car. It’s one of the best selling cars in its segment in India. Even the name Laura is majestic, meaning victor. However, releasing cars named as Laura in India is a BIG mistake. And you (the guys at Skoda and the people who have bought this car) should be prepared to be subjected to endless lists of bad puns and ridicule.

Location: DG’s scenic terrace.

Characters: DG, SA, PGI and Me

Scene: We had just finished munching down some insane BBQ. Full of food and alcohol, we were all zoning out in different corners of the terrace.

Start Scene

*DG looks down from the terrace and notices my car parked below*

DG: Dude!

Me: Yeah?

DG: Do you have a Laura?

*Stunned silence befalls the already silent terrace*

Me: Errrr….

DG: Well do you have a Laura or not?

*SA is rolling on the floor laughing and PGI is in a state of shock* (Click here if you don’t know what Laura means in Hindi)

*After what seems like eternity has passed*

Me: I have an Octavia

PGI: Phew! You guys are talking about cars! Seesh! 

DG: Ah okay. I thought you had a Laura. 

Me: Ummmm, I do have one….

DG: So you have two cars? 

Me: Errr… Nevermind

End Scene.

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Son, That’s The Devil’s Music!

Once a month, I take my parents out to dinner or lunch, whatever works better for me. No place fancy, either a place like Huckleberry or Herbs & Spice – you get the drift. My dad prefers that I drive, so that he can drink in peace without having to worry about getting caught for a DUI. Like all dads, my dad loves commenting on everything and offering advice that I don’t need.

Dad: You mind driving a bit slower. You might damage your suspension. 

Me: Chill, besides I’m super hungry.

Dad: I hear an ambulance, move to the left lane and let it pass.

Me: I don’t see anything in the mirror.

Dad: It’s behind us, I can hear the siren. 

Me: Ummmmm. you might wanna have your glasses checked. 

Dad: My hearing is perfectly fine! You mind turning the music down, then you might hear it too! 

(I dial the volume knob down)

Me: Still can’t  hear anything!

Dad: Oh wait! That was your music! 

Me: Dafaq!

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