B(.)(.)BY TRAPPED!

Recently, the whole gang was chilling at my place and one my friends, PBA was showing us this new app he had downloaded on his iPhone.

PBA: Guys! Check out this app! It tells you awesome dares that you can perform!

CG: Read one out!

PBA: Squeeze a woman’s boobs for atleast 10 secs. If you’re a woman, then you can squeeze your own boobs.

Me: Sweet! Me likey!

CG looks at me.

CG: Dude, you’ve got your work cutout for you. You can squeeze your man-boobs!

Everyone is on the floor laughing.

Me: Dafaq!

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The Agony Aunt (Not!)

I hate it when people crib about their problems to me. I mean, everybody has issues to deal with! So buck up, face the issue like a man or just start a blog and bug the people on the internet. When CG decided to confide in me, well as you can guess, that was a BAD idea.

CG: Dude, you know what my problem is?

Me: No! Stop right there! Your problems are f***ed up man! It’s like your problems f***ed each other and had kids! And imagine if those kid problems f***ed each other! Then you’d have some weird-interbred-messed-up-problems! That’s how messed your problems are! So stop right there and the spare me the pain!

CG: Dafaq is wrong with you? You have some deep seated issues man!

Me: Probably…..

CG: Right….. That explains a lot!

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This Is Sparta!

A close friend of mine, DG, has a kickass pad. He lives in a penthouse that overlooks the city skyline and his place also happens to be our (my friends and I) favorite pad for a house party. DG is a gracious host but puke in his loo and he will rain down hell on you that you’d think you murdered his mom.

Tired of people puking all over his fancy bathroom except in the commode, DG decided to put a DIY poster directing people where to puke and the consequences if those directions weren’t followed. He took a poster which depicted a very popular scene from the Zack Snyder movie, 300.

This was the poster that he used.

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DG is a man of many great qualities, unfortunately neither copywriting nor english was his strongest point.

The poster read :

CAUTION : FOLLOW THE RULES!

EITHERWISE THIS IS SPARTA!

I glanced upon this poster while taking a leak during one of our super-awesome house parties.

Me: DG, This is wrong!

DG: What is wrong?

Me: The poster. It should read ‘Otherwise It’s Sparta’, not ‘Eitherwise It’s Sparta’.

DG: What’s the difference?

Me: Otherwise means, follow the rules else this is sparta. Eitherwise  means whether you followed the rules or not, it’s going to be sparta either way.

(DG stares at the poster with deep thinking eyes)

DG: Hmmmmm. What did you say the word should be?

Me: Otherwise. O-T-H-E-R-W-I-S-E.

DG: What did I write?

Me: Eitherwise. E-I-T-H-E-R-W-I-S-E.

DG: Same thing! C’mon!

Me: Dafaq!

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Uno! Dos! Tre!

CG calls me up and informs me that he had just got his hands on the latest Greenday trilogy album, iUno!, iDos!, and iTre!

CG: Guess what bitch?

Me: What?

CG: I just got my hands on the new Greenday albums! 

Me: Albums? How many have they released post 21st Century Breakdown?

CG: It’s a trilogy of albums called iUno, iDos and iTre!

Me: iUno? iDos? Sounds like an Apple product!

CG: No dude! It’s weird shit, but the songs are really good!

Me: iDos? Hmmmmmm.

(I logged on to Wikipedia and found out that the album are actually called Uno, Dos and Tre. the ‘i’ was just styled).

Later that day.

Me: CG, come here!

CG: What?

Me: What are the new Greenday albums called?

CG: iUno, IDos and iTre!

Me: Really?

CG: Yup!

(Show him the Wikipedia page)

CG: Ummmmm….

Me: You’re a f***ing moron! 

CG: Damn! I feel like a moron! 

Me: Yup!

CG: Don’t blog about it ok?

Me: Sure! 

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Trolled!!!

CG and I were watching House M.D. and the conversation shifted towards a common friend who had just returned from Moscow after completing his M.D.

Me: Dude JJ just finished his M.D. 

CG: Yeah, I heard. 

Me: Because he did his undergraduate in Moscow, he got awarded a M.D degree. In India its called M.B.B.S. 

CG: Yeah, so?

Me: So, his visiting card / office door would read Dr. JJ, M.D. That’ll be so cool! Just like House, M.D!

CG: Seesh!

Me: Guess what does M.B.B.S stand for?

CG: Master of… wait… Bachelor of…. Ummm… Bachelor of Medicine?

Me: That’s not it! Guess again?

CG: Master of something and Bachelor of Medicine?

Me: It’s an undergraduate course. Masters wont appear in the title.

CG: What does the M.B in M.B.B.S. stand for?

Me: Master of Bastards! 

(I start rolling on the floor, laughing)

CG: Damn! Why is this so hard?

Me: Fine! It’s Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery. 

CG: Then it should be B.M.B.S! 

Me: Yeah, that sounds lame. So they reversed the first two letters. Now, M.B.B.S. sounds way cooler!

CG: Did I just…….. get trolled?! Dafaq! 

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Shanghaied!

One weekend MS, CG and I decided to watch the Dibakar Banerjee flick ‘Shanghai‘. This is what followed a few nights later.

MS: Guys, I think understand the title of the film!

Me: Which film?

MS: That one – Shanghai! 

Me: Ah, ok. So what does it mean?

MS: You know, in the movie, everything was forced, everyone was corrupt. How they went ahead with the plan to build that business park?

Me: Yeah…

MS: So the term used for that is shanghaied. It means to force something through by corrupt practices. 

Me: Uh…huh. So the word shanghaied is derived from shanghai?

MS: Yup!

Me: I don’t know what you have been smoking but THIS IS AWESOME! You’re a genius!

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Son, That’s The Devil’s Music!

Once a month, I take my parents out to dinner or lunch, whatever works better for me. No place fancy, either a place like Huckleberry or Herbs & Spice – you get the drift. My dad prefers that I drive, so that he can drink in peace without having to worry about getting caught for a DUI. Like all dads, my dad loves commenting on everything and offering advice that I don’t need.

Dad: You mind driving a bit slower. You might damage your suspension. 

Me: Chill, besides I’m super hungry.

Dad: I hear an ambulance, move to the left lane and let it pass.

Me: I don’t see anything in the mirror.

Dad: It’s behind us, I can hear the siren. 

Me: Ummmmm. you might wanna have your glasses checked. 

Dad: My hearing is perfectly fine! You mind turning the music down, then you might hear it too! 

(I dial the volume knob down)

Me: Still can’t  hear anything!

Dad: Oh wait! That was your music! 

Me: Dafaq!

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