The Agony Aunt – 3

May 13, 2013 by The Whiny Guy

I receive a call from CG.

CG: Hey! Listen, I need some help!

Me: No!

CG: Dude, it’s about…

Me: No!

CG: Listen, it’s something else!

Me: No!

CG: Listen for a second!

Me: No!

CG: Stop saying no!

Me: No! And this might sound like me hanging up but….

*The line goes dead*

CG: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! F!@$ing Archer!

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

April 24, 2013 by The Whiny Guy

My friend, PGS sends me a text.

PGS: Hey! I read your blog post.

Me: Which one?

PGS: Why? Why? Why?

Me: Liked it?

PGS: Well, who is this SP that you have mentioned?

Me: Someone. You don’t know her.

PGS: Are you sure that it’s not me?

Me: Seesh, narcissistic much?

PGS: Go jump! It’s just you’re always going on about how I need to put make up and I started doing so recently. Hence…

Me: Relax. It’s not you.

PGS: Good. By the way, check out my new Facebook pic.

Me: Uh…huh..

PGS: What?

Me: Nothing.

PGS: Tell me!

Me: It’s nothing.

PGS: Dude, either you tell me right now or I come over to your place and strangle you!

Me: Fine. It’s the lipstick.

PGS: What about it?

Me: Nothing, just an observation.

PGS: Dude! Tell me right now! Is it too much? Or what?

Me: Just saying, you know…

PGS: What? What? What? Tell me! This conversation isn’t over!

Me: Seesh, what shade is that? Crack whore red?

PGS: Dafaq! I’m gonna kill you! Just wait till I get my hands on you! I’m never ever gonna put make up henceforth! You wait and watch Mister!

Me: Hehehehe

The Heimlich Maneuver

March 31, 2013 by The Whiny Guy

LKB, FF and I were watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel on first aid. The presenter just got started with the heimlich maneuver.

Presenter: What do you when a person is choking?

FF: I just back up a few inches!

LKB & I: Oh god lord! Did you just actually say that???!

To Pee Or Not To Pee?

March 13, 2013 by The Whiny Guy

MS, CG and I were watching Russell Peters.

Russell Peters: When you’re showering with a partner and you have to pee, step out of the shower, pee and step back in.

(Not exactly what he said, but you can watch the whole thing here.)

CG: Jeez, why would you pee in the shower?

MS: Dude, it’s awesome man. Imagine you’re taking a hot shower and you feel like peeing, just let go and do it. You’ll feel really good. Like really good.

CG: Ummmm, no thanks! I don’t wanna do a self golden shower!

MS: Dude, it’s awesome. It’s like being an animal. You don’t care and go pee all over the place. The freedom to pee is exhilarating.

CG: Ummmm, a) No Thanks! b) It’s disgusting! c) If I’ve just finished washing myself, why would I pee on my myself? Then I’d have wash myself all over again.

MS: So in that case, you can step out, pee and step back in.

CG: Wouldn’t it just be easier if I stepped out in the first place?

MS: Chill dude! There are exceptions to the rule!

CG: Yeah, right. Exceptions for peeing while taking a shower!

Me: Can we PLEASE change the subject? I’m trying to drink some Mountain Dew here!

CG: I second that!

MS: Meh! Lightweights!

CG: Errrrrr…..