The Agony Aunt – 3

I receive a call from CG.

CG: Hey! Listen, I need some help!

Me: No!

CG: Dude, it’s about…

Me: No!

CG: Listen, it’s something else!

Me: No!

CG: Listen for a second! 

Me: No!

CG: Stop saying no!

Me: No! And this might sound like me hanging up but….

*The line goes dead*

CG: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! F!@$ing Archer

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

My friend, PGS sends me a text.

PGS: Hey! I read your blog post.

Me: Which one?

PGS: Why? Why? Why? 

Me: Liked it?

PGS: Well, who is this SP that you have mentioned?

Me: Someone. You don’t know her.

PGS: Are you sure that it’s not me? 

Me: Seesh, narcissistic much?

PGS: Go jump! It’s just you’re always going on about how I need to put make up and I started doing so recently. Hence…

Me: Relax. It’s not you.

PGS: Good. By the way, check out my new Facebook pic.

Me: Uh…huh..

PGS: What?

Me: Nothing.

PGS: Tell me!

Me: It’s nothing.

PGS: Dude, either you tell me right now or I come over to your place and strangle you!

Me: Fine. It’s the lipstick.

PGS: What about it?

Me: Nothing, just an observation.

PGS: Dude! Tell me right now! Is it too much? Or what?

Me: Just saying, you know…

PGS: What? What? What? Tell me! This conversation isn’t over!

Me: Seesh, what shade is that? Crack whore red?

 PGS: Dafaq! I’m gonna kill you! Just wait till I get my hands on you! I’m never ever gonna put make up henceforth! You wait and watch Mister!

Me: Hehehehe

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To Pee Or Not To Pee?

MS, CG and I were watching Russell Peters.

Russell Peters: When you’re showering with a partner and you have to pee, step out of the shower, pee and step back in. 

(Not exactly what he said, but you can watch the whole thing here.)

CG: Jeez, why would you pee in the shower?

MS: Dude, it’s awesome man. Imagine you’re taking a hot shower and you feel like peeing, just let go and do it. You’ll feel really good. Like really good.

CG: Ummmm, no thanks! I don’t wanna do a self golden shower! 

MS: Dude, it’s awesome. It’s like being an animal. You don’t care and go pee all over the place. The freedom to pee is exhilarating.

CG: Ummmm, a) No Thanks! b) It’s disgusting! c) If I’ve just finished washing myself, why would I pee on my myself? Then I’d have wash myself all over again.

MS: So in that case, you can step out, pee and step back in.

CG: Wouldn’t it just be easier if I stepped out in the  first place?

MS: Chill dude! There are exceptions to the rule! 

CG: Yeah, right. Exceptions for peeing while taking a shower! 

Me: Can we PLEASE change the subject? I’m trying to drink some Mountain Dew here! 

CG: I second that! 

MS: Meh! Lightweights! 

CG: Errrrrr….. 

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The TV Show Conundrum

FF comes over to my place to watch TV shows.

FF: Wassup?

Me: Nothing much.

FF: Ok, let’s watch some shows.

Me: What do you wanna watch?

FF: What have you got?

Me: How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Two And A Half Men, Archer, Futurama, American Dad, Coupling

FF: What else?

Me: Family Guy, The Simpsons, Modern Family, Californication, Friends, Joey, House MD, 30 Rock...

FF: Then?

Me: Sherlock, Breaking Bad, That 70’s Show, My Wife And Kids, The Centurions, Swat Kats, Entourage

FF: Ummm, got more?

Me: Psych, Criminal Minds, The Mentalist, Castle, Scream Queens, Beauty And The Geek, Top Gear…..

FF: And?

Me: You gotta be kidding me! Game Of Thrones, Spartacus, Samantha Who, Lost, Arrested Development, Prison Break, The King Of Queens, According To Jim, Hope And Faith, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Dark Angel… Phew! That’s all I have!

FF: Hmmmm, Do you have MTV Splitsvilla?

MeSplitsvilla?

FF: Yeah, remember that show where…

Me: GET THE F*** OUT OF MY HOUSE!

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PS: MTV Splitsvilla is the Jersey Shore of India.