You Don’t Say!

CG is a pig when it comes to cleanliness. (Sorry Bro, but you know that’s the truth). And I’ve been trying to get him to clean his room for about a year now.

*I enter his room*

Me: Dude, when was the last time you changed your sheets?

CG: Haven’t done it yet. 

Me: Huh? How many times have you changed your sheets after moving into this house?

CG: That’s what I said! Haven’t done it yet. 

Me: Oh god! How are you still alive?

*I give his bedsheet a nice whack and a thick layer of dust rises* (I’m not making this up!)

Me: God save us all!

CG: Whatever….

*I open his wardrobe next*

Me: Man! Is something dead in here!?

CG: Quit making stuff up!

Me: It smells like a zoo in here!

CG: Oh please! It’s just my unwashed clothes.

Me: Why are they in the wardrobe? They should be in the laundry basket!

CG: Yeah yeah yeah! I’ll put it there!

Me: Alteast put a freshener or something in here!   

CG: Jeez! What am I, an aristocrat or something? 

Me: You wish!

*Next, I open his table drawer*

Me: Why is your toothbrush and paste in your drawer?

CG: I don’t know. I just keep it there.

Me: And there are cigarette packets in there, and some change and your comb! 

CG: Yeah so?

Me: And you put that thing in YOUR MOUTH!

CG: Dude! Stop nagging! You ain’t my girlfriend!

Me: You don’t say!

CG: #facepalm  

youdontsay

Aftermath: I’m afraid to enter CG’s room without a hazard suit!

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You Shall Not Watch!

Last Friday, my friends were supposed to drop into my place for a house party, which unfortunately DID NOT happen. Their excuses varied from “I’m depressed because Arsenal is not going to win the premier league this season” to “my neighbors cat died”.

Anyways, the result was this:  I had an empty house (except for CG and MS), a lot of food and a lot of booze. As pissed as I was, I decided to get *sloshed drunk*, to calm myself down. CG and MS decided to make me watch a movie to soothe my nerves. After a lot of debating, they decided on The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring.

When it comes to the Stars Wars Vs Lords Of The Ring, I’m pro Star Wars!

*The movie starts playing*

Narrator: In the beginning of time, there were three rings for the Elves, seven rings for the Dwarfs and nine rings for the Humans.

Me: What do these rings do?

CG: I’ll explain it to you later. It’s kinda long.

Me: Pfft..!

CG: Dude, just watch!

Me: Where are these rings now?

CG: The elves hid their rings, dwarfs lost four of their rings and have three rings left. And the humans wore their rings and they became the Ringwraiths.

Me: Stupid humans!

*One Peg Down*

GandalfA wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

Me: Yeah, right! Try giving that as an excuse to your mom, when you’re returning home drunk at 2 am!

CG: Hahaha.

*Two Pegs Down*

Me: Why does Bilbo Baggins never wear that ring?

CG: Because he has no lust for power.

Me: I see…. Smart guy. How come the eye of Sauron always on?

CG: Because that’s how he can sense the ring.

Me: Does it ever blink?

CG: Dude! C’mon! That’s stupid!

Me: Uh..huh..

*Four Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, have you noticed that the Hobbits have no facial hair?

CG: Uh..huh..

Me: Imagine, they’d go to a barber to get their legs shaved instead!

CG: Dude! F*** off! Just watch!

*Five Pegs Down*

Me: Dude, why don’t just fly to Mordor on that big bird thing?

CG: Because air travel was expensive back then.

Me: Yeah right…. Don’t f*** around man!

CG: Then stop asking me stupid questions and read the book!

Me: It’s not stupid! It’s a genuine question!

CG: I’m not going to dignify that with a response!

Me: C***!

*Seven Pegs Down*

Me: Look dude! Ned Stark!

CG: Dude, that’s Boromir! The son of the steward of Gondor!

Me: Same person!

CG: Aaaaaaaagh! Dude!

*Eight Pegs Down*

Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur‘s heir?

Me: Snap! You didn’t see that coming, did ya?

CG: Jesus Christ! How drunk are you?

Me: Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

CG: #facepalm!

*Nine Pegs Down*

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Me: No shit, Sherlock!

CG: Dude, SHUT UP MAN!

Me: You shut up, you ************************************************************** (too many vulgar explicits).

CG: Jeez! You kiss your mom with that mouth?

*Ten Pegs Down*

CG: Don’t you think Hugo Weaving did a good portrayal of  Elrod’s character?

MS: Yeah man, his acting is good.

Me: Yeah man! I friggin’ love Hugo Weaving man! I love him in V for Vendetta! I love him in the Transformer! And I love him in The Matrix! Yeah! Agent Smith!

CG: Seesh! Drunk much?

MS: The Matrix?

Me: Yeah! Agent Smith man! Agent f***ing Smith!

MS: Nope! Haven’t seen Matrix.

Me: You what? Haven’t seen The Matrix? How the hell are you still living with yourself?

MS: Errrrr…

Me: Screw this shit! Lets watch Matrix instead!

CG: Ummmmmm, Hello!  We were watching LOTR!

Me: You’re damn right! Were, as in past tense! Now we ‘are’ watching The Matrix!

CG: Aaaaaaaaaagh! You drunk **************************************************************************! (Vulgar explicits, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that!).

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The Worst Day Of Your Life……So Far

Time: 9:00 am

CG: Dude, what’s that song you’re playing? Sounds good.

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 12:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 4:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Dafaq! 

Time: 8:00 pm

CG: Dude, what’s that song you played in the morning? 

Me: No. I won’t tell you.

CG: C’mon! 

Me: No.

CG: Seesh. Did you like, wake up today and decide to be a d*ck the whole day?

Me: No. I woke up today morning and decided that I’ll be a d*ck today AS WELL….

CG: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

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Carnivores – 1 Herbivores – 0

CG is a high-class-pure-vegetarian. You know, the Saravana Bhavan types. Because of his *ahem ahem* delicate nature, I never miss an opportunity to remind him about the mouth watering meat delicacies he’s missing out on (in my honesty, it was more of shoving it in his face).

Round #1

Me: Man, I’m craving for a Shawarma!

CG: Uh huh…

Me: Wanna go and get some Shawarma?

CG: Yeah sure…

Me: Oh no, you can’t have any because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian Shawarma!

CG: Damn…. Fine.

Me: Yeah! Score! 

Round #2

Me: We should go to Millers46 sometime. 

CG: Sounds like a plan.

Me: Their steaks are out of this world! You should try some!

CG: Okay.. Sure…

Me: Oh no! You can’t! Because there’s no such thing as a vegetarian steak!  Even what restaurants serve as vegetarian steak is an abomination! Steak implies meat! Ergo, vegetarian steak is an oxymoron!

CG: Seesh! You don’t have to be such a d*ck about it!

Me: Yay! Steak!

Match Point: Carnivores 

Round #3

Me: Let’s go to KFC!

CG: No way. 

Me: Why not?

CG: Because their vegetarian food is awful.

Me: C’mon! It’s KFC! How can you not love their tender juicy chicken, deep fried with the Colonel’s Secret Recipe? 

CG: Errrr…

Me: Oh yeah, you have no idea what I’m talking about! 

CG: Dude! Knock it off!

Me: Booyeah! 

Game: Carnivores

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